by
Sheila Clark and Valerie Piacentini
PART 1: KAREN
Leonard McCoy, Chief Surgeon of the U.S.S. Enterprise, sighed with barely- concealed irritation as he eased the collar of his dress uniform; catching his Captain's eye he grinned self-consciously, earning a sympathetic lift of one slanting eyebrow.
"Any word about our next mission?" he asked.
"Not as yet. However, I have been summoned to an appointment with Starbase Commander Devlin in the morning, and I understand that President Gallard is also to be present. No doubt I will receive our new orders then."
The Enterprise had been recalled to Starbase 8 to be briefed for a delicate diplomatic mission; the base had been recently established on Farol, and Star- fleet personnel enjoyed a friendly relationship with the inhabitants. The Enterprise's arrival had coincided with the President's annual ball, and the senior officers had been invited as a matter of courtesy - a courtesy which in McCoy's opinion he at least could have dispensed with, involving as it did the wearing of the hated dress uniform. He had concealed his irritation with his usual charm, however, and for some hours had been performing his social duties to perfection; then, feeling the need for a break from the endless polite small- talk, he had seized eagerly on the opportunity to approach Spock, who was for the moment on his own.
The two men were standing in a recess by the dance floor, watching the dancers with idle interest - seeing them deep in conversation no-one disturbed them. Taking advantage of their momentary privacy, McCoy leaned forward and lowered his voice. "Spock, I must talk to you soon - I'm becoming very disturbed about Jim."
"Oh?" Automatically, the Vulcan's eyes raked the dance floor, searching out his First Officer; he gave an almost inaudible sigh of relief as he caught sight of the fair head across the room.
Kirk was dancing with the President's daughter, an exquisitely lovely girl in her late teens. They made an attractive couple, the Vulcan thought absently, equally matched in height, both fair, both undeniably good-looking, with a refined grace and elegance that made them stand out even in this distinguished company. That others thought so too was made obvious by the indulgent glances cast at them by the other dancers - even the President was beaming proudly - and Spock relaxed gradually .
"He seems happy enough," the Vulcan murmured, the anxiety invoked by McCoy's words relieved by the sight of Kirk's smiling face as he spoke to the girl.
"Is he?" McCoy countered seriously. "Just watch him."
As he spoke the music stopped, and the dancers began to leave the floor. The girl slipped her arm through Kirk's and spoke laughingly to him; Kirk replied, but Spock was aware of a sudden tension in his body. The Human glanced around as though seeking something, and across the room his eyes met Spock's; at once he smiled, and began to lead his partner towards his friends.
"Here he comes, just as I expected," McCoy muttered, "and I can make a pretty good guess as to what he wants." He broke off quickly as the couple reached them, and although he greeted the girl with all his famed charm the Vulcan was aware that all his attention was on Kirk.
"You summoned me, Captain?" The clear voice held only polite enquiry, but unseen by the girl the hazel eyes begged for help.
Spock thought quickly, searching for some reason for calling his First Officer, something that Kirk could adapt to his needs. "I regret spoiling your enjoyment, Mr. Kirk," he said after the briefest of pauses, "but it occurs to me - the systems check on the standby navigational equipment has not been completed. Mr. Chekov has encountered a problem, and I require the report first thing in the morning."
Kirk's expressive eyes thanked him silently. "I'll deal with it at once, sir. However, it will mean that I must return to the ship. Will you excuse me, Miss Gallard?"
"I suppose you must go," the girl said regretfully. "A pity - I was enjoying our conversation."
"And I," Kirk agreed. "However, perhaps Dr. McCoy... ?"
"I'd be delighted." McCoy stepped forward as the music began. "Miss Gallard, will you do me the honour?"
The girl smiled and accepted his arm, casting a regretful glance at Kirk as the doctor led her onto the floor. Kirk gave a sigh of relief and turned to his Captain. "Thanks."
Spock touched his arm. "You can beam up from the garden," he said. "Come - I'll walk with you."
As they emerged onto the deserted terrace he caught the Human's shoulder, halting him. "What's wrong, Jim?" he asked quietly.
The Human coloured, and smiled apologetically. "I feel such an idiot. We were talking, Karen and I, and found we had a lot of interests in common. I was beginning to like her - then, when the dance ended, she suggested that we go into the garden. I could tell that she was interested in me, and I knew she'd expect... I just froze. I couldn't think of a way to refuse without hurting her feelings. Then I saw you, and I knew you'd help me."
"I see. You did not wish to accompany her, then."
"No! I got so scared... Why can't people leave me alone!" Kirk bit back his explosive outburst and continued more quietly. "I'll go back to the ship now if you don't mind, Spock. Thanks for not giving me away. Goodnight."
"Goodnight, Jim."
Thoughtfully the Vulcan watched until the Human was beamed up to the ship.
Some time later McCoy, coming in search of his Captain, found Spock still sitting in the shadows of the terrace, deep in thought. He looked up at the doctor's approach.
"Miss Gallard?" he asked.
McCoy sank gratefully into a chair. "I left her with some of the younger officers - I'm getting too old for this game."
"Yet you are younger than..."
"Than my counterpart in your own universe? So is Jim, isn't he? And the Captain would have been younger than you as well."
"I am considerably older than he," Spock agreed. "Fortunately, it is difficult to judge age in a Vulcan."
"Where's Jim now?" McCoy changed the subject to the one that had been troubling him. "Gone back to the Enterprise?"
"Yes. McCoy, you said you were concerned about him?"
"I am, and that's a sample of what I mean! I've heard some of my nurses discussing him, and tonight he bore out what they were saying. A young, healthy, attractive man with a beautiful girl in his arms - and he runs to you like a scared rabbit! There's already been talk, and there's going to be more if he doesn't start acting normally around women."
"His fear of sex..." Spock murmured.
"Exactly. He should be getting over that by now. Sure, he had a bad time... but he's safe now, and he knows it. To be honest, Spock, at first I thought that after all he is, despite everything, attracted to men, but now I'm sure that's not so - he's even more scared of men than he is of women. He won't open up to me - subconsciously he sees even me as a possible threat - but he will talk to you. Try and reassure him - I don't want to see him hurt again."
"I will try," Spock said slowly, "but he is equally reticent on that subject with me, and I will not distress him by raising it. Should he mention it himself, I will do what I can." For a moment a frown of irritation crept over his face. "As Jim said to me only a short time ago, why can he not be left alone? Humans have an unhealthy interest in the sexual lives of their companions, Doctor."
"Perhaps so; but the sexual drive is - or should be - strong in Humans. It's bound to cause talk when someone as attractive as Jim remains unattached. Most of the women see him as a challenge - and Spock, if he keeps on ignoring the girls, some of the men might too - and he's just not capable of dealing with that!"
Spock sighed again. "I will do what I can," he repeated. "Now, shall we return to the ballroom? We do have duties."
McCoy rose, and adjusted his collar for the thousandth time; the caustic comment directed at the designer of the dress tunic fell on deaf, if elegant, ears.
In the morning Spock beamed down for his orders. Contrary to the Vulcan's expectations, Commander Devlin was alone; he looked up, smiling, as the Captain entered.
"Good morning, Spock," he greeted him cheerfully. Something in his expression warned Spock to go carefully - this man clearly regarded Spock as more than just 'one of his men'. Perhaps it was fortunate that Devlin had left the ball relatively early.
"Good morning," he replied noncommittally.
"Come for your orders?" Devlin chuckled. "I think your First Officer will find this mission to his liking."
Spock half smiled. "A scientific mission? We understood it was to be political."
Devlin's chuckle intensified. "Far more interesting for him than anything scientific, Spock." He was almost leering now, and Spock felt a sudden apprehension. "The Enterprise is scheduled to transport President Gallard and his daughter - and representatives of the chief officials and families of Farol- to Dinitrol, where Miss Gallard is to marry Prince Jervane - a diplomatic alliance of considerable importance. It will give Dinitrol its first links with the Federation and should in time lead to Dinitrol joining us. And Dinitrol is a wealthy planet, Spock - very wealthy. Now, should the Klingons hear of this, they might try to prevent Miss Gallard from reaching Dinitrol, so you'll have to keep a good watch. As for Miss Gallard - I noticed last night that she seemed interested in Commander Kirk. Provided he's reasonably discreet he could have a most enjoyable little flirtation during the journey."
Spock rather doubted it. "If the young lady is engaged, I doubt that she would be interested in - "
"Oh, Spock, Spock! I always thought you were a man of the world - even though you're Vulcan. She's no shy virgin - she's been a pawn in her father's political games too long for that. If even half the stories are true, Gallard's sold her favours for political backing quite a few times in the last year or two. At least two of his political rivals switched allegiance recently because of it - at least, that's what's said. And Jervane is like Gallard - not above selling her favours for what it'll get him. She'll probably be quite glad to choose a lover for herself for once."
Or perhaps, Spock thought hopefully, she'll be glad of someone who doesn't try to bed her.
"Of course," Devlin went on, "she'll be able to choose herself at least one lover on Dinitrol. It's customary for members of the Royal Family, even the Princess, to have an official lover - sometimes several."
Spock found himself wondering how much of this to pass on to Jim. As little as will serve, he thought. I can't protect him from everything, no matter how much I'd like to - I won't so betray his trust in me.
He discussed the mission with Devlin for some minutes, then excused himself and returned to the Enterprise, reasonably confident that the Starbase's commander had not guessed the truth.
Kirk met him in the transporter room. "Well?" he asked cheerfully. "What world-shaking mission have we been given this time?"
Spock told him; Kirk's expression changed ludicrously. Spock resolutely kept his face expressionless as Kirk said blankly, "Engaged? But last night she was... She tried... "
"According to Devlin, her father has several times... er... encouraged her to seduce his political rivals - she can expect Jervane to do the same. She didn't even choose him as her husband. Can you blame her for wanting one lover she has chosen herself?"
"No," Kirk said quietly, aware of an intense pity for the girl. "But I wish she'd picked someone else."
The Presidential party beamed aboard later in the day. Spock assigned several of the senior officers to escort their passengers to their quarters. Charlene Masters, as senior woman on board, escorted the President's daughter, who looked in vain for Kirk - Spock had left him in command. Not that it was necessary for a senior officer to be on the bridge at that moment. Cowardice it might be, thought Kirk, but it's easier to avoid her than having to say 'No! Though he knew that it was only a temporary respite; eventually he would have to face her.
He managed to avoid her, however, until that evening, when Spock held the customary formal dinner in honour of his distinguished passengers. He would gladly have given it a miss had it been at all possible; but the junior officers would have wondered - they were already surprised that he had remained on duty when the distinguished passengers arrived. However, there would be plenty of company; it should be relatively easy to avoid a tete a tete thereafter - he could always plead pressure of work.
"I understand that Starships have an extensive recreational facility," the President said as the meal drew to a close.
"Yes," McCoy replied. "Our missions frequently take some time - as, for example, this one; it will be five weeks before we reach Dinitrol. Even when we get there, not many of the crew will have the chance to leave the ship. So it is necessary for their continued mental health that the ship has a wide range of entertainment available. Mostly the usual things - chess, cards and so on; there's a small bowling alley and some theatrical props, and of course we carry a lot of book and film tapes. Then there's an area for anyone with specialised hobbies - three or four of them have turned part of the hydroponics unit into a garden, for example. Everything's in pots, of course, but they've been pretty ingenious in laying it out, and in picking compatible plants from different planets."
"I'd like to see that," Karen said. She looked invitingly at Kirk. "Will you show me, Mr. Kirk?"
As Kirk searched his mind for a tactful excuse, her father smiled tolerantly, even benignly. Spock put in evenly, "Would you not prefer to be conducted round the garden by one of the crewmen responsible for it - Mr. Sulu, for example? He could tell you far more about it than Mr. Kirk, whose interest in plants is primarily botanical."
Kirk threw him a grateful glance, hoping that the President and his daughter would never learn of the hours he had spent discussing gardens with T'Pau while Spock listened, slightly bored by the technicalities - in that, at least, he resembled his counterpart - but pleased that his friend was happy.
"No," Karen said. "They'd get too involved. I'd rather hear about everything from someone who just knows where the plants come from. You're not doing anything this evening, are you, Mr. Kirk?"
"No," Kirk admitted, uneasily and only half truthfully. He had hoped to spend the remainder of the evening with Spock, but he guessed that the President, no less than the girl, would consider it an insult if he admitted preferring the company of his Captain to that of a young and good-looking girl, even though she was engaged. He forced himself to add, "I'll be delighted to show you round," and could only hope that the words, and his polite smile, masked his reluctance. 'You lie very badly, James' - the cold words echoed in his mind, and while nothing of importance was involved here, he shrank from hurting Karen's feelings.
The group broke up shortly thereafter, the President heading for his quarters, and the rest of the senior officers going to continue their own pursuits while the other guests went to the recreation room that had been made available to them. Spock hesitated for a moment as Kirk caught his eye, and responded to the mute plea.
"I do have some matters I would like to discuss with you later this evening, Mr. Kirk - if you would come to my quarters, perhaps... two hours from now?"
"Yes, Captain." Kirk's only regret was that Spock had not made it one hour, but he supposed Spock was right - it would take some time to show Karen the garden properly.
Kirk searched his mind for a topic of conversation as he escorted Karen along the corridor, aware of the envious glances thrown in his direction by the crewmen they passed. Little did these men know that he would willingly have changed places with any one of them. It had been easy enough to talk to her at the dinner; why should it be so difficult now? You weren't alone with her then, an inner voice reminded him.
Eventually - as the silence began to make itself felt - Kirk said almost desperately, "What was your garden like at home, Miss Gallard?"
"Karen," she said. "Not much fun. Presidential gardens are kept so formal that you can never find a quiet corner to be alone. I do hope the garden here isn't formal."
"Not terribly," Kirk answered, fractionally more at ease now with this slightest of reminders that they had found many interests in common the evening before. "Of course, it's all in pots, as McCoy said, but they managed to get some trailing species, climbers and creepers that disguise the pots quite a bit."
"Do many people go there? Do you?"
Kirk shook his head. "Only to check the progress of any experiment my staff happens to be conducting. I prefer the garden of Spock's home on Vulcan. Especially in the evening when it's cool - cool for Vulcan, that is," he added . ruefully. "That makes it an average warm summer day for a Human. The night flowering plants have such a distinctive scent..."
"I thought Captain Spock said your interest in plants was botanical," she laughed.
"Oh, it is!" Kirk hastened to assure her. "The scent attracts the evening insects necessary to pollinate the flowers. That's the reason it's so distinctive. But we can't have insects in here - the plants have to be pollinated by hand. Not nearly so interesting to watch."
"1 think you're just afraid of letting Captain Spock realise you're far more romantic than the Vulcans. But why bother? As long as you do your work properly it surely doesn't matter how Human you are when you're off duty."
"Scientists can't afford to be romantic," Kirk said, rather flatly.
"Is that why you don't have a girl friend on board?" Karen asked. "Or - " playfully - "perhaps you do, but she's one of the juniors."
"A senior officer can't afford to have a liaison with one of the junior crew-women," Kirk said, a little sharply. "Even if I was to marry one of the yeomen, we wouldn't be allowed to serve on the same ship. It's considered bad for discipline. There's a special set of rules for the Vulcans - they're a logical race, so no Vulcan would ever let an emotional consideration outweigh a logical one - but for all the other races the rule is, one rank below or above. That means the only woman on board I could approach within the regulations is the Chief Engineer, and she isn't going to look at anyone who isn't also an engineer."
"So what do you do about it?"
Profoundly uneasy, Kirk answered, "Nothing. There are more things in life than sex. Here's the hydroponics unit."
She was silent as he led her into the garden section and began to explain where the various plants came from, aware that his voice was slightly unsteady. Her presence was making him feel decidedly uncomfortable; he wished Sulu and some of his friends would appear, cheerful and talkative, to take some of the pressure off him.
He paused beside one particularly beautiful flower, a great mauve disc fully eight inches in diameter, and stroked the petals lightly. They moved, responding to his touch; the plant gave a squeaking sound that made Karen jump.
"What... What is it?"
Kirk smiled slightly. "Sulu calls her Gertrude - Janice Rand calls him Beauregard," he replied. "It's a sensitive plant from one of the border planets. There's no actual intelligence that we can detect - other than that shown by all plants - no sign of independent thought. The movement and 'voice' seem to be a sort of defence mechanism - it responds to and seems to return affection, and squeals and retracts quite abruptly if it senses danger. It's got a secure home here, rarely shows the danger signal, but even with the security it knows it still hasn't learned complete confidence. If you touch it you'll see what I mean."
Karen reached out tentatively and touched a petal lightly. The plant gave an off-key squeal and half retracted; Karen jerked back, startled.
"Try again," Kirk suggested.
She did so, slightly less nervously; the petal was velvet soft, and very pleasant to touch. She stroked with increasing confidence as the flower slowly emerged again and opened fully, uttering its soft squeak.
"It recognises people," Kirk said. "It'll remember you now. We've thought several times of trying to get another - it does seem to carry both pollen and ovary, but it clearly will not self-pollinate; with another one we could cross-pollinate. But we've never been back in the area to get another. Oh, well, one day..." He turned away ready to move on.
Karen moved closer, leaning against him. "Mr. Kirk... Jim... " she said, her voice husky. "I'm not one of your crew."
His body had tensed involuntarily. "Miss... Miss Gallard," he said nervously. "You are engaged - on your way to be married... "
"Pfui!" she exclaimed, pouting slightly. "A marriage of convenience, a diplomatic necessity. Once it was Princesses who were State pawns - now it's Presidents' and Ambassadors' daughters." She sounded slightly bitter.
"Your father..."
"As long as I act discreetly and don't get pregnant, he doesn't care. Why should he? He started me in this... career. And I won't get pregnant - I take my regular contraceptive shots. It's a pity you've to report to the Captain tonight, but we could have a good hour... " She linked her arm through his, and Kirk felt a familiar dread creep over him. She wanted to use him... He stiffened, mentally screaming for Spock.
"Miss Gallard, I am Vulcan-trained - which means that I've adopted many Vulcan attitudes." Despite himself his voice was shaking considerably, and he knew she'd jump to the wrong conclusion.
"You want me - you know you want me," she murmured softly. "There's no need to worry about customs that aren't Human. Who's to know, if we don't tell?"
Kirk shivered apprehensively. She took it for desire barely held in check. "Come on," she murmured. "Come down to my cabin..."
The intercom buzzed. "Mr. Kirk."
Kirk took a deep breath of relief that she thought was frustration. "Excuse me."
She hung onto his arm. "Must you?"
"I am First Officer," he pointed out. "I'm never completely off duty. It might be nothing, but it could be important."
She released him reluctantly and he headed for the intercom, praying that it was indeed important. "Kirk here."
"Could you come down to sickbay, Mr. Kirk." It was McCoy's voice.
"Now?" Even as he spoke Kirk hoped the girl wouldn't recognise his eagerness to escape. If she did it would surely hurt her terribly.
"Yes, now. This is urgent, Jim."
"Very well, Bones - on my way." He flicked off the intercom and looked at Karen. Safe now, he could afford to sound regretful. "Duty," he said simply. "Sorry. Can you find your way back to your cabin from the elevator?" He was already ushering her towards the door.
"Yes. Er... Jim?"
"Yes?"
"Perhaps another night?"
"I can't promise," Kirk muttered, determined that there would not be another night if he could avoid it. "As I said, the First Officer is always on call. I never know when I'11 be free, or for how long." The elevator doors swished shut behind them. "Deck five."
"Try?"
Kirk smiled weakly.
He found both Spock and McCoy in the surgeon's office and joined them hastily and with undisguised relief.
"So you did need help," McCoy growled.
"Yes. I was never so glad of anything as that intercom, Bones - thanks."
"What exactly happened?" Spock asked. "I sensed you calling for me, and that you were apprehensive - but I thought it better to ask the doctor to summon you.
Kirk gave a long sigh. "That girl's a menace," he said bluntly. "Another five minutes and she'd have raped me."
"Would that have been so terrible?" McCoy asked, genuinely puzzled; it had been in his mind that a skilled seduction might be just the thing to overcome Kirk's sexual reluctance. "You'd still have been... " He broke off at the look on Kirk's face.
"Bones, I can't. I know all the biological reasons why I should be able to, but I still can't convince myself that I would enjoy it - or that I wouldn't cause my partner pain. So - " He shrugged. "I'm physically unable to respond. Can you imagine how she would react?"
McCoy said, very slowly, "Her pride would be hurt... that she couldn't rouse you."
"She might even laugh. Bones, being impotent doesn't bother me - but... "
"You'd rather nobody knew."
"Yes. Because they'd wonder why."
"None of their business," the doctor said gruffly.
Spock glanced at him, remembering McCoy's response when he had said much the same thing, but remained silent.
Kirk sighed again. "There's another thing," he said. "Lt. Moreau."
"Moreau? Your second in the lab?"
"Yes. I've seen her look at me... I think she's in love with me - and while I can't respond to her either, I don't want to hurt her."
"Jim, it might be better to let her see now, with Karen, that she hasn't any hope," McCoy said quietly.
"I don't want to use Karen like that either," Kirk said firmly.
Relaxing appreciatively in the comfortable cabin that had been assigned to her, Karen Gallard considered the forthcoming voyage with more anticipation than she had expected to feel. She wanted a diversion, she knew; although she would have to be discreet, here on the Enterprise she would - for the weeks of this journey - be effectively in limbo, between one life and the next. She intended to make the most of that chance.
Jervane would not be too demanding a husband, she knew - indeed, she already knew it was an established custom on Dinitrol that a married woman might take a lover of her own choice if her obligations to her husband were fulfilled. Karen was aware that many of her future subjects would vie for her favours, but in these last weeks she wanted - needed - a man who responded to the woman Karen Gallard, not to the Princess of Dinitrol.
There was plenty of choice - the officers of the Enterprise included some attractive men; Karen smiled at the thought that indeed there was almost too much choice.
Reluctantly, she dismissed the Captain; Spock would be an unusual and interesting lover, and it would certainly be an accomplishment to seduce a Vulcan, but she knew her limitations - men of his race were notorious for their reluctance to engage in casual sex.
But there were other possibilities. The doctor? He was attractive, and she thought he would be kind, but she had the uncomfortable feeling that he would see through her in a moment; he might be willing to oblige, but it would be on his terms, not hers.
Sulu? Chekov? Both appealed to her, and she might have been tempted for a night, but she wanted... something more.
Suddenly Karen laughed in rueful honesty; she had known all along who she really wanted. Kirk. Since the ball he had not been far from her thoughts, and his appearance at the dinner tonight had only reinforced the attraction he had for her.
What was it about him that drew her so strongly? He was good-looking, certainly -even beautiful - but she had known other, more physically exciting men. Propping her chin on her hands she thought deeply, trying to pinpoint exactly what it was about him that made him different.
She had danced with him several times at the ball, and had been intrigued by his curious blend of shyness and self-possession. He had treated her with a delicate courtesy she had never encountered before, seeming to enjoy her company; but he had displayed none of the arrogant male assurance most men employed to interest her.
His arms had been gentle when he held her, guiding her in the steps of the dance, but he had not taken the opportunity to press her close. Their conversation had been interesting, with none of the sly sexual innuendo she so often found tedious and repetitive; and he had gazed at her with admiration, frankly enjoying her beauty while making no attempt to possess it. Indeed, it had been she who eventually suggested that they walk in the garden; pity his Captain had chosen just that moment to interrupt. Pity the doctor had called him tonight.
From all she had heard Earthmen were not usually so shy when an attractive woman made her interest plain; could it be that he was... inexperienced? He had implied as much. Her pulses quickened at the thought - it would be a novel and interesting experiment to awaken the slumbering sensuality in those innocent eyes.
Supremely confident in her beauty, Karen had not the least doubt that she could win Kirk; he was obviously a career officer, dedicated to his ship; that probably explained his air of naivety if he never allowed himself to relax and enjoy the usual diversions of a Starfleet officer. And as First Officer for a Vulcan Captain, she thought, he probably had very little opportunity to do so even if he wished - custom demanded that he be always at his superior's side save when duty forced him to be elsewhere, and Spock would certainly never consider that his young subordinate might occasionally feel the need for some lighter relaxation. Otherwise why should even the First Officer be always on call? She would have expected him to have off-duty time when one of the other senior officers dealt with any routine matters that required attention, especially on a journey as straightforward as this one.
Yet... there was more to it than that. She had seen how Kirk's glance flickered shyly away from those couples at the ball who had made their attraction to each other a little too plain, and had sensed in him an unusual degree of fastidiousness, a shrinking from such blatant displays of passion.
She was certain that he was capable of desire, but how easy would it be to arouse him? He had maintained control in the ship's garden - how close had she come to seducing him? This voyage should indeed prove... diverting.
When Kirk met Karen next day she seemed to have forgotten her offer; she was charming, chattering gaily, and Kirk found himself relaxing slightly, not knowing that Karen had done some thinking - and had been the recipient of some firm paternal advice - after she left him the night before.
"Don't rush him," the President had warned. "That's the best way to frighten him off. Remember, he's Vulcan-trained, and he knows you're engaged. To him that says 'hands off'. If you want him, Karen, you'll have to be more subtle."
So now she chattered inconsequentially, setting herself to entertain Kirk. This idle party-type conversation was undemanding, unthreatening; it was something he could respond to without apprehension. His response encouraged her. Yes, perhaps her father was right; this shy, oddly self-confident young man probably had acquired some Vulcan moral scruples - she knew how obsessively important Vulcans regarded marital fidelity. Frustrating, yet somehow refreshing, to find a man who regarded chastity as important.
But it's stupid! she thought. I wouldn't be depriving Jervane of anything. He has three official mistresses already, and god knows how many unofficial ones! But it gave her an idea - perhaps, when the time came...
The voyage proceeded without incident, despite Devlin's fears that the Klingons might somehow hear of the proposed marriage and try to stop them reaching Dinitrol. But for Kirk and Spock it was a frustrating time, for they rarely saw each other except when they were on duty. President Gallard occupied a great deal of Spock's free time, taking advantage of the journey to learn at first hand what Spock had seen of the many varied cultures he had visited in the course of his career.
"I am not wholly satisfied with the constitution we have on Farol," he admitted. "There are some excellent points that can be incorporated from the Federation's laws, but I am sure you have come across many, possibly individual, laws that are of great benefit to their culture."
Spock suppressed a faint sigh, reflecting that the most fortunate cultures had usually been the ones with the simplest laws. There had been one culture in his original universe that had no laws that he could ever discover, yet it was the most peaceful, co-operative society he had ever encountered. He decided not to mention it - not only was he uncertain that it existed in this universe, it might be less than tactful to tell a career politician that the most successful culture of Spock's experience had had no politicians!
It threw Kirk - as her father had intended - more and more into Karen's company. He was not wholly averse to this; he liked the girl, found her entertaining company, and now that she had apparently accepted his moral stand and was no longer openly flirting with him he felt more at ease with her.
If she was piqued that he rarely spoke of himself and his past she gave no sign of it; she accepted the bald statement that he was an orphan with no known relatives at its face value, saying only, "Don't you regret not having any relatives to go home to?"
Kirk shook his head. "I do have a home," he said. "On Vulcan, with Spock's parents."
The quiet statement gave her pause. He must be even more Vulcanised than she had thought; but his genes were Human, she remembered. The demands of his Human blood would overcome instilled Vulcan habits. So she chattered on, about herself, her past... but rarely her future.
Kirk thought he could guess why. 'State pawns', she had said; she must be worried about her future, what it held for her, married to a stranger, a man many years her senior, living on a planet light years from her home and her family. He could even, almost, understand her anxiety to go to bed with him - someone young that she had chosen, not a diplomatic alliance with a man old enough to be her father. She probably hadn't even been given the opportunity to refuse.
Her situation, indeed, seemed to him roughly comparable to what his had been with the Captain. There was no reason to suppose her betrothed to be a man of sadistic tendencies, and of course she would have the backing of a powerful father who would certainly resent it if his daughter was blatantly ill-treated; but even so, her position was not a happy one, and he could only admire the courage with which she accepted her future. He suspected that at times her gaiety was forced, artificial, to hide her fear. And there was nothing he could do to help her.
McCoy watched as the relationship between his friend and the President's daughter developed.
At first he was frankly delighted by Kirk's new attitude. This was just what was needed - a light, uncomplicated affair with no commitment on either side, affectionate enough to satisfy the romantic in Kirk, passionate enough to prove to him that sex need not be painful and humiliating. So he smiled indulgently when he saw the two together in the rec rooms, or at one of the informal parties the younger officers liked to arrange, and at which Kirk was always now a welcome guest when he chose to attend; and believing that Kirk had managed to overcome his original scruples he was thankful that his young friend was - at last - beginning to respond as a normal, healthy male to Karen's femininity.
Certainly it relieved his mind of one worry - the general gossip about Kirk's lack of interest in women died down almost completely; people began to remember the regulations regarding crew liaisons - something that few of the crew needed to worry about since most were Ensigns or Lieutenants - deciding that Kirk had simply been obeying these regulations. But...
Karen Gallard was engaged; travelling to her wedding. Certainly her father didn't seem to mind how outrageously she flirted; but even so, she was engaged.
Was Jim really attracted to the girl? If so he could be badly hurt yet again even although he did know that she was not free. Or was he indulging in what was a relatively safe flirtation, despite his initial determination that he wouldn't use Karen to brush off Marlena Moreau?
Either way, however, it was a good sign. Perhaps now Jim would accept 'almost being raped' with something of the enthusiasm that most Human males would show. There was, after all, nothing physically wrong with him; the problem was entirely psychological. McCoy knew, none better, that to solve a psychological problem the patient must first want that problem to be solved. Up till now Jim had had no incentive to adjust his sexual thinking from undesired homosexuality to desired heterosexuality; of course he wanted to remain within the regulations. His first two encounters with Karen Gallard were before he really got to know her - now, of course, he must be beginning to desire her... mustn't he?
And yet, McCoy could not feel fully reassured - Kirk's gaiety still seemed a trifle forced. Perhaps it would be as well to warn Spock that Kirk might still need help.
As Dinitrol drew nearer Kirk found himself growing more and more concerned about Karen Gallard's future. Pity mingled with the liking he had for her; perhaps he could save her - there was one possibility.
He liked Karen, and while she did not arouse him he could admire her beauty, and knew himself to be envied for the preference she showed him. As he saw it, she was caught in the same trap that had so recently held him, so that he felt an instinctive sympathy for her. That she was fond of him, he knew; he was also aware that she found him attractive, and in his innocence he assumed that she must therefore love him, for he accepted that her past affairs had not been of her own choosing. That same innocence also made him confuse his own liking and pity for her with love, for he had never learned what that relationship should be; and he assumed that, once married to someone he cared for, the question of his impotence might perhaps solve itself painlessly.
He intended to propose to her, and was certain that she would accept, if only to free herself from an unwanted tie - many marriages had been founded on less, he thought; and his only reason for delay was his wish to settle their future in his own mind before he broke the news to Spock.
Hopefully, he could continue with his career; Karen had been brought up to understand the importance of duty, and it would be possible to establish a home on one of the Starbases to which he could return between tours of duty.
There was of course the possibility that Karen might not wish for such long partings, and in that case the only alternative was that he resign his active commission and accept a shore posting. Which would mean leaving Spock.
Each time his thoughts reached that point he stopped, appalled. How could he leave Spock? The Vulcan had sacrificed everything for him, had given him a home, a family at last; more, Spock needed him - as he needed Spock, he acknowledged frankly. The dilemma haunted him, his wish to save Karen, his longing for a normal life warring with his affection for the Vulcan.
And there was no advice he could seek. If Spock even suspected that he might wish to leave he would ruthlessly sacrifice his own wishes to Kirk's happiness; and McCoy... McCoy could not begin to understand.
Whatever he did, someone would be hurt. Karen, whom he wished to protect as he had been protected; or Spock, forced back into the agonising isolation he had paid such a price to escape.
Worst of all was the knowledge he could not begin to deny, that however much he thought he loved Karen, if he left Spock for her the day would come when his heart would cry out for the Vulcan, for the steady, undemanding, but vitally necessary companionship they shared, and which no infatuation of the flesh could replace.
On the last evening before planetfall Kirk invited Karen down to the hydroponics unit. He could feel something tense in her attitude as he led her through the massed plants, pausing only to greet the sensitive plant in passing. Yes, she was definitely afraid, he thought.
He led her to the seats that were placed in one corner of the room. "Karen," he began tentatively.
"Yes, Jim?"
"Karen, you haven't said much about it, but I know you're not happy with your proposed marriage. You don't have to marry Jervane. You could marry someone else. I would... It would make me very happy if you were to marry me."
"Marry you?" she exclaimed, obviously startled. There was a short pause, then, "Jim, I appreciate the offer, but you're nobody - not even a Captain in Starfleet. This marriage will make me important - Jervane has several mistresses, but he's never offered marriage to anyone before this. But Jim, I can give you a more important position that you have ever had, than you will ever have in Starfleet. Resign and come with me as my lover - my husband will only require my services half a dozen times a year, and not even the Princess is expected to remain celibate the rest of the time - we'd be free to enjoy ourselves, and with perfect propriety according to the customs on Dinitrol. Think of it, Jim - the social success you'd be... and all the women envying me for having you!" She saw the expression on his face and misinterpreted it. "I told you, Jim - it's customary on Dinitrol for the Royal Family to have lovers. My husband won't mind - why should he? It'd be thought strange if I didn't have a lover. And if we get tired of each other it's easy to part, no hard feelings on either side. We could remain friends, you'd still have the prestige of a court position, and the other women would queue up for your favours - "
"No!" The revolted denial burst from him. "Karen, I would have married you, but I won't be used by you! If position and social importance mean more to you than an honest man's love, then have them - but don't try to have it both ways." He took a deep breath, controlling himself. "I'll take you back to your cabin now."
At her door he paused. "Goodnight, Miss Gallard," he said formally. Then, quietly, "I hope you never have any reason to regret your choice. May you live long - and prosper." He inclined his head slightly and walked briskly away.
KAREN'S DIARY
Jim Kirk proposed to me last night.
I must admit it was completely unexpected; and yet it's typical of his honesty - and his innocence.
I realise now that what attracted me to him was that honesty - and that innocence. He wanted me, I could tell - he wouldn't have been so tense in my presence if he didn't - but unlike all the men my father sold me to he has standards of behaviour he has set for himself... or perhaps the Vulcans set them for him.
Was I trying to prove that a man with moral standards doesn't exist? If I was, I failed. His strength of purpose survived even when I suggested that he could come to Dinitrol as my official lover - an honourable position - but he would not.
I am sure that he is in fact virgin... and whoever he eventually marries need never fear that he will be unfaithful; his vows will be for life.
I am too used to a successful social life - too fond of the gaiety and importance that go with my position - to give it up, to settle quietly to being the wife of a Starship officer... But oh, I wish - how I wish - that it could have been different - that I could have accepted him.
THE CAPTAIN
The usual honour guard attended the beamdown of the Presidential party. No casual onlooker would have guessed at the undercurrents of emotional misunderstanding that were present. Kirk would have preferred to remain absent, but courtesy demanded that he attend. He stood quietly at Spock's side throughout.
When Kyle signalled beamdown complete Kirk nodded an acknowledgement and left the transporter room to wander aimlessly along the corridors, confused by the storm of conflicting emotions that flooded him. Spock, understanding that Kirk needed time to think, let him go.
Karen had gone, taking with her his hopes of a normal life and marriage, Kirk thought. Yet mingled with his sadness was a feeling he was not yet prepared to admit - a sense of profound relief. She had tried again, promising so much, tempting him to accept her offer; but while part of his mind urged him to accept, at least for a time (as any normal man would have done, he reflected bitterly), the Captain's terrified victim retreated in protest. There would be pain, humiliation, loss of his dearly-bought privacy... He did not want it.
The sane, thinking part of his mind accepted that a physical relationship could be wonderful, fulfilling for both partners, but the lessons of his first teacher were too deeply ingrained, and he knew in the innermost part of his being that he would again experience shame and fear, discomfort at best, acute pain at worst.
But his own overriding emotion was anger, even while he writhed in shame at the memory of her insulting offer to him.
As always when confused, or hurt, or tired, there was one unfailing refuge he sought with blind instinct, and he fled in search of it now, pressing the buzzer and entering without waiting for the customary permission.
Spock glanced up from his desk at Kirk's impetuous entrance. He was concerned about the Human's evident distress, but was also pleased that Kirk had gained so much in confidence that he would come in so precipitately, without hesitating apparently timidly outside his quarters for permission as he had done in the past.
Realising what he had done, Kirk pulled himself together. "I'm sorry, Spock," he said guiltily. "I interrupted you... "
"You are always welcome, Jim," the Vulcan replied, rising. "Please, sit down."
Kirk shook his head and paced the cabin restlessly, wondering how to ask the question that had been tormenting him. Spock waited, wanting to help, unsure of how he could.
"She left after all," Spock said, finally breaking the silence.
So he knew! Kirk thought. He knew I wanted her to stay. "Yes, she's gone, and I won't be seeing her again." Kirk laughed bitterly. "I offered to marry her... I thought there was a chance... Anyway, she refused me. Instead, she made a counter proposal." The Vulcan's eyes dropped before the bitterness in Kirk's. "I could go with her - as her lover. Such arrangements are permitted, she said. She was willing enough to go to bed with me, but she wouldn't marry me - I'm not important enough, it seems. And I thought she cared for me... "
His restless pacing brought him to Spock; like a drowning man's his hands reached out to clutch the strong shoulders. "It made me realise - even if she'd married me, would she have remained faithful? She said her father sold her, but she must have begun to enjoy it - the variety, the... the... " He could not finish the thought. "Is that all I am, Spock? Only a beautiful body to satisfy for a time the lusts of those who... who desire me? All I ever wanted was to be loved. Is that so much to ask?"
Spock forced himself to look up, and a wave of physical pain swept through him at the sight of Kirk's eyes, wide with anguish, bright with the tears that only a supreme effort of will kept from falling. The shame and misery in those eyes was too great to be borne; Spock pulled Kirk closer, holding him comfortingly, trying to infuse some of his own strength into his friend.
His heart ached for Kirk, for he guessed how much his friend had built on his growing affection for Karen; he was so gentle, so vulnerable, this beloved Human, and once again he had been cruelly hurt. McCoy had predicted some such crisis, and like a fool he had failed to prevent it. Yet, beforehand, what could he - or anyone - have done? Yet perhaps now there was a way he could help.
"Jim," he said quietly, "there is another who can answer that question better than I."
Kirk looked up, puzzled. "Who?"
"The Captain."
Kirk's face convulsed. "Don't mock me, Spock. I can't bear it - not from you."
"I am serious. You know that he loved you."
"Loved?" Kirk laughed harshly. "He didn't know the meaning of the word. Do you think a few words forced out of him as he lay dying could wipe out all the years of pain and humiliation he gave me? He didn't care for me. He took, always, and gave nothing in return, not even the comfort of knowing that he valued me. His wishes always counted, mine never did. He would have sacrificed me to his ambition without a moment's thought, and turned to seek another victim."
"Do you believe that? But why should you not? Jim, I retained one of his log tapes - I think that you should listen to it."
"No!" Kirk twisted away. "I don't want to hear it!"
"It will ease your mind, I think."
"To hear His voice again!" Kirk whispered, shuddering.
"I know, I know." Spock's hands gripped again, tighter. "But I have heard the tape, Jim - will you not trust my judgement?"
The Human nodded reluctantly, and obediently followed Spock to a chair, watching nervously as the Vulcan removed a tape from his safe, carefully broke the seal, and slotted it into the player.
"It is audio only, Jim," Spock said, handing him the earpiece. "I think it best that you listen in privacy, but I will be at my desk should you need me."
He touched Kirk's shoulder for a moment, then left him to return to the papers he had been studying, though he paid them scant attention. After a moment he glanced up - Kirk was still sitting as he had left him, making no attempt to play the tape. Spock waited anxiously; Kirk had made remarkable progress, but the scars that the Captain had inflicted still ran deep. Then with delight he saw the Human's lips set into a firm, resolute line; his hand rock-steady, Kirk reached out and switched on the player.
As the familiar, hated voice filled his ears, reciting the stardate, Kirk repressed an involuntary shudder. The recording had been made shortly after the last visit he and the Captain had made to Vulcan; it was during shore leave on Calderon, the too-well-remembered time when the Captain had almost...
He pushed the memory away firmly, wondering, for a fleeting instant, why no-one else seemed to notice the difference between the two voices. He himself never had any difficulty in distinguishing between them. Or was it merely that the Commodore's voice held that note only for him?
Then, aware that he was seeking an excuse not to listen, he concentrated on the insidious, seductive voice that echoed so hatefully from the past.
"May the gods I do not believe in aid me now! I am Vulcan - I can control this. Control... But he lies so still... Where may I turn, I who by my own choice have driven every well-wisher from me, and with my own hands I have wrought my destruction. Ah, James, I enslaved you - but your eyes hold me as securely...
"Such a trivial matter - I cannot even remember what it was. But he angered me. I summoned him to an accounting, and fancied his response defiantly slow. I beat him as he cowered submissively at my feet, beat him until his pitiful weeping choked into silence, until even my most savage blows produced no further reaction - he lay unmoving. I dropped the whip at last, and washed his blood from my hands contentedly; he tried so hard, but could seldom please me, and I almost loved him for it - his many failures gave me the excuse I did not really need to punish him.
"My exertions had relaxed me, and I felt again the hunger for him that is never fully satisfied, but when I leaned over him my searching fingers could not conjure the usual response from his unwilling body. Alarmed, I investigated further; his pulse was very faint, his breath came painfully, and I knew fear - I had been careless, and injured him so severely that he would need immediate medical attention. Yet how could I explain his injuries? A fall would not have caused such damage.
"Logic, as always, showed me the answer. We were on shore leave on Calderon, sharing as we often did an apartment in the Star Gardens. It was an exclusive, discreet establishment, but sometimes its clients were... unreliable.
"I placed him on the bed and began systematically to ransack the room; then called the Enterprise and summoned McCoy. The tremor in my voice was not feigned, for his pallor and that harsh, painful breathing unnerved me.
"Never had I been so glad to see the doctor! As he worked he listened to my explanation of how I had returned from an engagement at the Vulcan Embassy to find him thus, clearly the victim of thieves. McCoy's response convinced me that he suspected nothing.
"But his next words were a shock; James was in danger, and must be taken at once to sickbay. We beamed directly to the ship, where he was rushed to surgery. Even as McCoy operated we were ordered away on a simple but urgent mission, so that the next few hours were occupied in recalling the crew and taking the ship out of orbit. Only when I was at last able to turn command over to Mr. Scott did I realise that there had been no word from sickbay; I went directly there, only to be told that James was still in surgery - there was no news.
"McCoy came at last, and his slow step, the defeat in his usually brilliant eyes, told their own story. The broken bones, the bruised flesh would heal, but I had been more careless than I knew - there was serious bruising to the brain. It was still too early to be certain, but there was a very real danger that James would be permanently crippled in mind.
"Like all the others McCoy has no idea what James is to me. With rough sympathy he told me to go and rest, he would call me when there was anything to report. I refused, of course; I would not leave my d... my property in the hands of another.
"But it was useless. I could win no response from that pale, silent figure, and I fancied that he had chosen this method of escape. Foolish, but my usual clear thinking seemed to have deserted me.
"At last I yielded to McCoy's urgings and rose to leave, taking a final look at the shuttered face. How young he looked, and how vulnerable, the pale skin so clear against the flame-gold covering of the bed. His face was unmarked - my blows must have been hidden by his hair. Strangely, he seemed at peace... he never looked so tranquil when he slept in my arms.
"So I returned to my quarters, but not to sleep. It seems that I must face the possibility of losing him, and if so I must decide what I will do.
"My first option is simple, logical and obvious; he will be useless to Starfleet, he has no family to care for him - I need only let normal procedure take its course and he will be committed to the nearest Starfleet hospital for the rest of his life. No further responsibility will be mine, I can forget him.
"And yet... And yet I feel a curious reluctance to take this easy course. Hospitals for the insane are well run, I am told, but I have heard stories... Sometimes the attendants in such places, brutalised by their hopeless task, amuse themselves by tormenting their helpless charges. Why should that disturb me? I have done as much. Yet it troubles me oddly to think of him at the mercy of another, perhaps forced by some orderly seeking a moment's pleasure from his body. He is still my property, and I will not have him so used. That option then I must reject.
"I might, of course, take responsibility for him, send him home to Vulcan where my parents will care for him if I request it. There will be no risk of betrayal, for he will be unable to speak of what I have done, and I can easily guard him against accidental intrusion by another telepath. If I take this course I will still control him, he will always be there awaiting my return.
"However, that solution does not please me either. He is still beautiful, his body undamaged, and I know that I will want to make use of him; but on Vulcan he will be out of my reach for long periods of time, and I cannot be certain he will be with me when pon farr strikes. I have considered taking another mate from among the crew - that slim, graceful helmsman, or the dark-eyed Chekov - but they do not call to me as he does, even now. It is his cool body, his warm trembling lips, his anxious submissiveness that I need. What matter that he cannot know to whom he yields? It was never his mind I valued. I dare not face pon farr without him, so...
"My third choice. The one I have known all along I must make. He will go to Vulcan, yes - but I will go with him. Not to my parents' house, for I do not wish them to know what he is to me; but I will make a refuge for us where I may live out my days in contemplation of my handiwork as I care for him.
"Here in this log, which only I will ever hear, I must admit the truth. He is of the race I early learned to hate, he is weak, submissive, so easily frightened - everything I should despise; and yet - I love him. I love him for his beauty, for his shy, hesitant manner, for his gentleness; and I love him too for the response I sensed in him, the instinctive rapport there was between us before I claimed him.
"Was I wrong? I am Vulcan, I could do no other. To admit that I loved an inferior being would have shamed me... and to win him with soft words, to show him the gentleness he longs for, to express love as he could understand it - these things I have never learned. I obeyed the call of my blood and took what I wanted from him; now I pay the price, and it is bitter indeed - but I will pay it.
"I will never sit on the Federation Council now, never earn the respect and admiration that are my due. For me, only the obscurity of an isolated home on Vulcan, my sole companion this so dear one.
"But perhaps there will be compensations. I need not fear to lose him, for who would wish to steal him from me now? He will always be there for me, for I know that the damage I have done to his mind will not prevent me from enjoying his body - and lacking memory, perhaps now he will turn to me with trust.
"It may even be that as I care for him I may learn to express these emotions I do not understand. Often I have read in his mind that he would give anything for one gentle caress, one word of love from me; that may be possible now, but for him it will come too late.
"Love. I have never known it. My parents... It is to them that I owe the agonies I have endured because of my mixed blood; they who bequeathed to me this legacy of emotion, and did not teach me how to cope with it. I will never forgive them for that.
"The intercom! It is McCoy, summoning me to sickbay. Gods of Vulcan, give me strength to bear what I must!
"An hour ago I dictated the previous log entry. Only an hour! Yet my world has been remade. He will live, whole and sane. I scarcely know whether to be thankful or not. McCoy left me alone beside his bed, saying that he would soon awaken. There were tests to be made, but he was confident - the bruising was less serious than he had originally thought.
"Something distracted my attention for a moment and when I looked back his eyes were open, gazing at me with the expression of fear and submission I love to see there. Slow1y, he took my hand and raised it to his lips in the gesture of self-abasement I have always compelled him to make, kissing the hand that hurt him.
"The touch of those warm lips against my skin unnerved me; I had to escape the resignation in those patient eyes. I touched his hair in the gesture that tells him he has pleased me, and called McCoy; when he relaxed again in sleep I left him to his dreams - and what must they be like?
"Now as I sit once more alone in my cabin, I must re-evaluate my intentions in the light of what I have learned about myself - and him.
"He must never know what he is to me; of that, I am determined. Should he even suspect the power he has over me...
"We will go on as before, for I cannot promise that I will never hurt him again, but now at least I understand what it is that drives me to such violence.
"I am ashamed; ashamed of him, and of what I feel for him. I cannot claim him as my bondmate - it would humiliate me beyond endurance to acknowledge before my family, before all Vulcan, that my Human blood had conquered at last, and betrayed me into taking so unsuitable a mate.
"However, I see an answer. It is unfortunate that we visited Vulcan so recently, but when we return I will take steps to bind him to me so securely that he will never be able to leave me.
"In the ancestral home of our family I will bond with him, but secretly, only he and I knowing; the vows we make will bind us together as securely as though they were spoken before the High Council in formal session, and I will so monitor his thoughts that he will not realise that I have committed myself to him as completely as I claimed him.
"I must still marry, of course - it will be expected of me - and I will do my duty, but a properly-trained Vulcan wife will not even enquire into my concerns or betray me if she learns of them. So I will keep him as bedmate and as bondmate, for the span of his life and mine - I could not bear to lose him, and he will not be left behind, perhaps to enjoy the embrace of another. Certainly, it is more probable that he will die first, for despite my mixed blood my life span is greater than his, and if I follow him into a bonded death my secret will be revealed - but by then I will be beyond all humiliation and mockery.
"Ah, James, James... what are you that you can affect me so? What the end will be for us I cannot guess - and perhaps it is better so - yet here, in the privacy of my thoughts, it comes to me to wish... to wish that I could show you the love I feel, and the gentleness you crave. Perhaps then you would love me... but I cannot change, I am as my birth and upbringing have made me.
"So here - and only here - dare I say... James, beloved one, forgive me. Forgive me for my inability to be the tender lover you deserve."
As he listened to the tape Kirk had been very much aware of Spock's presence; the Vulcan, working at his desk, was suddenly the only real, sane anchor left in a world gone mad.
At that last helpless, almost resentful confession of love Kirk closed his eyes, fighting back tears as he had not had to do for so many months. He was aware that the tape had ended, but he seemed unable to move; the player was switched off, the earphones removed, and gentle hands cupped his face. Kirk opened heavy eyes to meet Spock's concerned gaze.
With a convulsive movement he pulled the Vulcan down beside him, burying his face against his shoulder, seeking refuge in Spock's strength; the tears came at last, not the hysterical weeping the Captain's cruelty had torn from him, but a deeper, quieter weeping that helped to heal the pain that called it forth.
Spock held him gently, comfortingly, his light touch on Kirk's hair conveying a sense of security the Human had last known - so long ago he could scarcely remember how it felt - in his father's arms.
At last Kirk raised his head. "I don't understand," he whispered. "I thought... What did he feel for me? I'm so confused. Help me to understand, Spock."
The piteous tone of his voice, the sheer bewilderment in the confused eyes, warned Spock that the Human was very vulnerable at this moment; he was clinging so tightly to the Vulcan that only force could have moved him. Carefully Spock disengaged the clutching fingers, but allowed Kirk to lean against him, knowing that the Human felt reassured by the contact.
"Jim," he began haltingly, "you asked me if... if you were only a beautiful animal, if the only value you had was for the pleasure your body could give. To me you are not someone to desire - though I can understand why both men and women find you attractive. My reaction is valueless, however, since you know that I am incapable of responding to you sexually.
"That tape... I kept it for just this reason. You always believed that the Captain simply made use of you; such was indeed his intention, but despite himself he grew to love you - and you were the only one for whom he could admit to any tenderness at all.
"I understand him a little. Ashamed of his Human blood, unable to deal with those Human emotions no-one could teach him to comprehend, he despised himself for loving one he considered inferior; he fought the attraction - and lost. His log... He betrayed himself so often, in so many ways, even before he admitted the truth to himself. He loved you for all the things he felt he ought to despise - your gentleness, your compassion, your warmth. Every effort he made to kill that love failed. Finally he was prepared to take the ultimate step of bonding with you. Make no mistake, Jim - a formal bonding, even a secret one, would have bound him as securely as it bound you. Your pain, your fear, all your emotions would have become his; despite his reluctance to acknowledge you as bondmate he would have been forced to do so if Starfleet duty seemed likely to separate you, for he could not long endure to be parted from you; and with full knowledge he deliberately intended to throw half his life away, knowing that your death would inevitably mean his.
"So you see, Jim, even that wretched unhappy creature could not help loving you; he knew - though he would never have told you so - that you are more, much more than a beautiful toy."
There was a long silence, then Kirk said slowly, "I begin to see now. It wasn't just sex, even for him. I'm... glad to know that, it makes it easier somehow. But Spock... do you know... I think that if he had approached me gently... he could have... won me. I could have gone to him... willingly. Is that shameful?"
"No, Jim, it is not. Your early life was such that you have a great need to be loved. You and I... I do not fully understand the bond that holds us through so many universes. Once, while I was still searching, I discovered a world in which you and I were bonded lovers, each joyfully consenting; so that you should feel drawn to him is understandable. Do not feel shame; the perversion of the bond was his doing, not yours.
"The past cannot be erased, but it must not be permitted to mar your future. You were able to compel love from one unwilling to give it - that is the measure of your power.
"As for Karen Gallard - do not judge her too harshly, Jim; her invitation is a custom of her people by marriage, and was intended honourably. Forgive me - but I think that you were more than a little relieved to be able to let her go. Am I not correct?"
Kirk looked up, flushing indignantly, then, meeting the patient understanding of those wise eyes, he smiled ruefully.
"Perhaps you're right, Spock." Kirk ran his fingers through his hair. "I thought I loved her, but I was always uneasy alone with her. Maybe I was only trying to prove something to myself - but whatever it was, I failed. When she beamed down to Dinitrol one half of me was sorry to see her go - the other half felt only a vast relief that I didn't have to... Spock, if I'd gone, I'd've cheated her, I couldn't have given her what she wanted. I'm still afraid; for me, physical intimacy is tied up with pain, humiliation, selfishness - I don't want any more of that in my life."
"But you would be a very gentle lover, Jim," Spock said hesitantly.
"I'd... try to be. But I could never forget... For me, sex will always have an element of selfishness, of greed. There's been enough of that for me." He glanced up shyly. "I'd sooner have what we share, Spock. Love without desire - something clean, and wonderful, and good."
"You love me?" Spock asked shakily.
"Yes. At first it was only gratitude and friendship, then affection. Now it's become love - the purest, most unselfish love I've ever known. You feel it too, don't you?"
"I do," Spock said gravely, "but the first admission had to come from you, lest you should think..."
"That you want me? I know you don't - that you can't - but even if you could, you wouldn't... Oh dear!" Kirk laughed at himself. "I'm getting muddled. I think that what I want to say is - I trust you, Spock. Yes, I want to love, to be loved - and you won't ask any more of me than that."
"I am only too glad to see you content," Spock said with quiet tenderness. After a moment he continued in a more casual tone, "Come now and eat, Jim. We are both on duty in forty-five minutes."
"Lord, yes! Look at the time!" Kirk stood up, smiling again. As the Vulcan raised his hand to the door Kirk touched his arm. "Thank you, Spock."
As they emerged into the corridor the Captain and the First Officer were deep in a discussion of routine ship's business.
PART 2: THE BONDING
There was an unexpected delay at Dinitrol. A diplomatic crisis had arisen, causing some concern to the Federation, and a conference had been arranged on Babel. One of the delegates was the Vulcan ambassador who had been assigned to Dinitrol's earliest tentative negotiations with the Federation, an experienced diplomat named Selek, who in addition to being Sarek's older brother was also the head of his clan. Unlike Sarek, forced to retire early because of a heart condition, Selek was a healthy, vigorous man who anticipated many more years of active life.
Starfleet had given orders that the Enterprise was to convey Selek and his family to Vulcan, wait while he was briefed on the situation, and thereafter to transport him to Babel as Vulcan's representative.
Kirk had completely recovered his composure by the time he stood at Spock's side in the transporter room, awaiting the arrival of their distinguished guests. At least this time there should be no awkwardness, he reflected with a wry grin; Selek was accompanied by his senior wife T'Kara, and their son Sendak was well- known for his involvement with a political group which was inclined to be mistrustful of Terran influence in the Federation, so it was unlikely that he would have any interest in a Human.
Spock too was confident as he waited, positive that he had learned enough from the Captain's log to avoid any mistakes in dealing with Selek. His alternate had despised his uncle as an unimaginative, unambitious bore, but had respected his power as clan chief too much to antagonise him; and as the two men had had little contact over the years Selek would expect from him only the deference due to his position.
The ambassador had requested an informal reception. Spock had thought it best to compromise; he had dispensed with the formal honour guard, but he and Kirk were in full dress uniform, and several other senior officers were also present.
When the three Vulcans stepped from the transporter pad Spock moved forward to exchange greetings, then beckoned Kirk to his side.
"May I present my First Officer, Commander Kirk. He will be at your service when duty requires my presence elsewhere."
Kirk stepped forward, gracefully executing the Vulcan salute. "Vulcan honours us with your presence," he said pleasantly in Vulcan. "We come to serve."
"Thank you, Mr. Kirk." Selek eyed the Human with interest. "Your accent is pure," he commented. "Who is your instructor?"
"My Captain, sir. The language is not easy, but I find its study a challenge - and he has great patience."
"My compliments to both pupil and teacher. Mr. Kirk, I wish to introduce my son Sendak, and T'Kara - she who is my wife."
Kirk inclined his head slightly to the haughty-looking Sendak, and bowed respectfully to T'Kara, aware that he had been honoured - men of Selek's generation did not normally introduce their women to men not of the family, or who had not been received into their homes as guests.
"Selek, perhaps you and Sendak would care to tour the Enterprise," Spock suggested. "And my officers would be honoured if you would join them for dinner."
"Of course - it wil1 be interesting to meet them," Selek replied, "and I would welcome the chance to view this magnificent ship in greater detail."
Kirk turned to T'Kara. "May I escort you to your quarters, Ma'am? Our - "
"Really, Mr. Kirk!" Sendak interrupted coldly. "You insult my mother - it is not our custom to permit our womenfolk to associate unchaperoned with any but kinsmen and house guests."
"I am certain the Commander intended no insult," Selek broke in before Kirk could reply. "Perhaps he is not fully aware of our customs."
"I do know of this one, sir," Kirk said smoothly, "and I anticipated your objection. As I was about to say, our Communications Officer, Lt. Uhura, is in attendance, and she will be delighted to join me in escorting the Lady T'Kara. With your permission, sir?"
At Selek's nod of approval Kirk escorted the Vulcan woman away, then Selek turned to his son.
"You are too quick to imagine offence," he reproved. "Spock, I congratulate you on your First Officer - such sensitivity is unusual in a Human."
"He is valuable to me," Spock agreed. "Shall we begin our tour?"
"I would be pleased. And Spock... after dinner I wish to speak with you on a matter of some delicacy."
"Indeed?"
"As head of the family it is my duty. But later for that - now I wish to see the Enterprise."
The tour was a success, as Selek asked intelligent questions, and made valid comments at several points. Sendak accompanied them in silence, a fact for which Spock was grateful - in his previous universe he had been quite close to his cousin, but here the man's slightly old-fashioned attitudes had hardened into a rigid disapproval of outworld influence.
So pleased was Selek with his reception that he relaxed custom to allow T'Kara to attend the dinner; seated between Charlene Masters and Uhura, the two highest-ranking female officers, she obviously enjoyed the diversion offered by the company of the more extrovert Humans - especially since Kirk had had a quiet word with them, and had briefed them on Vulcan customs and manners, so that mistakes were few, and the odd one was accepted indulgently.
Sendak retired as soon as the meal was over, but his parents lingered; Selek became absorbed in conversation with Kirk, while T'Kara and Uhura were engrossed in a lively conversation.
At last Kirk excused himself. "I'm due on watch, sir, and must change first. If you will forgive me?"
"With regret, Mr. Kirk - I have enjoyed our discussion. Spock, will it be convenient for you to speak with me now?"
"Certainly, Selek. To ensure privacy, shall we say my quarters, in an hour?"
"That will be satisfactory. Come, my wife." The two Vulcans retired, and Spock walked with Kirk to his quarters, entering to wait while the Human changed out of his dress uniform.
"Any idea what he wants?" Kirk called from the bathroom.
Spock shrugged. "Not the slightest. As head of the clan he may merely wish to reassure himself that all is well with me."
"He didn't seem suspicious?" Kirk emerged, pulling down his blue shirt.
"No. He didn't know the Captain well, of course, and I've learned enough about him from the logs, and from Sarek, to give him the answers he expects."
"Good. There's one thing... this trip will give us a chance to go home for a quick visit while he's being briefed. I wonder how T'Pau is getting on with those seeds I sent her?"
Spock smiled at Kirk's completely natural and unselfconscious use of the word 'home'. The young Human had a deep need to find roots, a place to belong, and in T'Pau he had an enthusiastic champion; even the undemonstrative Sarek (though he would have died rather than admit it) regarded Kirk with an almost affectionate approval.
"I had intended to tell you," Spock remembered, "I had a tape from Sarek and T'Pau this morning; I will leave it in your room, Jim, and you can listen to it when you come off duty."
"Thank you." Kirk smiled as they left his quarters and walked towards the lift. "I'll see you tomorrow, then, Spock."
The lift doors slid open, and seeing that the corridor was for the moment deserted, Spock touched his friend's shoulder in the casual gesture of affection they occasionally allowed themselves.
"Quiet watch, Jim." Then he turned and headed back to his own room.
Selek arrived punctually, and came directly to the purpose of his visit.
"Spock, I speak as your clan chief. We - the family - are greatly perturbed and so I mention a subject that is normally avoided. I refer to your delay in selecting another mate since T'Pring refused you. Have you given any thought to marriage?"
"I have considered it." Spock kept his voice steady, trying to conceal his dismay. "However, I am not fully Vulcan - it seems possible that pon farr will not affect me; if that is so I would prefer not to take a wife while I am still on active service."
"You deceive yourself, Spock." Selek leaned forward. "Your medical record shows that your physical development is fully Vulcan - though retarded, to be sure, by your Human blood. Indeed, our family physician has already expressed surprise that you have not yet experienced pon farr. I can permit no further delay - think of the risk if it should come while you are still unmated... and more, you cannot function as Captain of the Enterprise without the safeguard of a wife at your side. Our decision is final - when we reach Vulcan you will be called before the family council and instructed either to name your chosen mate, or to accept a suitable candidate who will be selected for you; the ceremony will take place before we depart for Babel. Understand - we are concerned only for your safety, nephew."
"I know; and it is of course both your right and your duty to safeguard the family."
"My concern is also for you, Spock."
"I am grateful. I will consider your words, Selek, and give you my answer in council."
"That will be satisfactory." Selek rose to leave. "Choose wisely, Spock. You are an asset to the family and to Vulcan, and I would have you content in your marriage. And now I will bid you goodnight."
Alone, Spock postponed consideration of Selek's ultimatum until he was calmer. He completed work on some routine reports, delivered the message tape to Kirk's cabin, and prepared to retire.
He was disturbed that he had not foreseen this possibility - his own impotence had for years freed him from the necessity of considering marriage. Selek could not know of course that the Captain had, in fact, reached sexual maturity and chosen his mate; he was concerned for his kinsman, and would not easily be persuaded that his fears were unfounded.
The closer the Enterprise drew to Vulcan, the greater became the intensity of Spock's anxiety. He had thought that when Sarek learned the truth the most serious threat to his safety and Kirk's had been eliminated, but he knew now that he was wrong.
This impossible marriage would expose him, whatever he did. Sarek had shielded him as long as possible, but even he could not defy the family council - Spock must marry on his return to Vulcan, and there was no appeal from that decree.
It was a nightmare situation. If he disobeyed, refused to marry, that would be certain proof of insanity, for no sane man would willingly face pon farr unbonded. He would be forcibly restrained, examined by Vulcan doctors and psychologists; the Captain's medical records would be thoroughly detailed - he could not hope to fool them for long, and his imposture would certainly be detected.
Yet if he submitted, went through with the marriage, danger still existed. His much greater powers would enable him to shield his mind from his wife, although she would certainly be able to detect that he was being less than open with her, but her duty to her husband would keep her silent, especially as he could explain it as a reluctance to inflict his Human emotionalism on her; but about another danger, his complete impotence, he could do nothing.
The bonding ceremony was supposed to trigger pon farr; when he failed to consummate the marriage his wife would complain to her family, and again he would be subjected to a medical examination. His physical condition was too radically different from the Captain's to be explained, and once suspicion was aroused the questions would begin, questions he could not hope to answer.
Spock sighed wearily; it would be embarrassing, but it might be as well to consult McCoy. It was unlikely that the doctor would have any useful advice, but he felt a sudden need to discuss the problem with a sympathetic listener. Normally he would have discussed a personal matter with Jim, but his friend's reaction to even the mention of sexual involvement made him reluctant to do so; he remembered how when the rec room conversation turned to even the most light- hearted discussion of sex Jim would soon murmur some quiet excuse and leave.
As he lay in his cabin trying vainly to sleep, Spock's all-too-Human imagination, awakened by the trend of his thoughts, began to point out in horrible detail the consequences if - when - it became known that he was not the Captain.
Whatever his reasons, Jim had killed a Vulcan; there would be no mercy for him. In his helplessness he had submitted to the Captain, had carried on his flesh the brand that marked him as a possession, with no rights beyond his master's will. Although he had explained it as the result of torture at the hands of aliens, many of his colleagues had seen the brand, and could describe it; a Vulcan court would have no difficulty in recognising its significance. Slavery was outdated on this Vulcan, but not illegal; it was held that if a man was weak enough to submit to being owned, he lost all status - the fact that Kirk was Human would be no mitigation. A master was expected to take care of a piece of valuable property, of course, but there was no compulsion on him to do so, and the slave had no right of redress.
Therefore, a Human had killed a Vulcan, a slave had slain his master - Jim would pay a terrible penalty. It would be useless to appeal to Starfleet, for by Vulcan law he was guilty, and the Federation would not interfere with the internal laws of a member; at best the authorities would say that Kirk should have appealed to them when his rights as an Earthman were breached by his Captain's treatment. Kirk would be taken from him, handed over to the Captain's clan for punishment... With a shudder Spock forced from his mind thoughts of what form that punishment might take. What his own fate might be for his part in the plot the Vulcan did not even consider - the danger to Jim was too real and hideous. It seemed so cruel - the Human had suffered so much already, was only now beginning to enjoy life, and his new freedom would be ended in such a way.
It would not even serve any purpose if he, Spock, refused to return to Vulcan at all; the family council would simply demand his return, and as he was a Vulcan citizen Starfleet would be bound to hand him over to the jurisdiction of his own people.
There was only one way Spock could see to save Kirk. When the Enterprise reached Vulcan he would confine his First Officer to the ship, beam down alone. He would confess to the murder and to the impersonation, refusing to give any reason, but taking a11 the blame on himself. The authorities would attempt to determine the truth by mind touch, but he was confident that he could deceive them into believing exactly what he wished - no suspicion would fall on Jim. Sarek would not betray the Human's involvement, and if fortune favoured him it would all be over before Kirk learned what was happening. But he would have to be very careful until then - if Jim suspected his intention he would confess his own guilt.
It would be very hard for Kirk to accept the loss of the friend he had come to care for so deeply, but at least he would live... and McCoy would be there...
McCoy... Yes. In the morning he would speak to McCoy, and if the doctor could offer no suitable alternative he would warn him what to expect; at all costs Kirk must be protected.
Slightly more at ease now that he had reached a decision, Spock turned over on his side and concentrated on sleep.
A few yards away in his own quarters Jim Kirk too lay sleepless and worried. His mind persisted in going over the cause of his unease, but his thought patterns now were very different from what they had once been. Not so very long ago he would have fretted anxiously over a problem, concerned but too lacking in confidence to consider it coherently; now he surveyed the little information he had, and tried to evaluate it correctly.
Spock was worried; that was all he had to go on, really. To anyone else even that would not have been noticeable, but Kirk was so closely attuned to the Vulcan that the very presence of the rigid shields Spock maintained rang warning bells in his mind.
It could not be the ship, or anything else connected with their duties; had it been so the Vulcan would have consulted him at once, for from the first he had relied on his First Officer, even when Kirk himself was still none too confident.
It must therefore be a personal problem, something that Spock felt he had to keep from the Human. Kirk understood Spock's motives, sensing his reluctance to intrude personal concerns into his relationship with one who had suffered so much, but he was impatient - surely Spock could see how much worse it was to be kept in ignorance?
Thinking back, Kirk remembered that Spock's distraction dated from Selek's arrival... and that last message from Sarek and T'Pau. Something to do with Vulcan, then? Yet there had been nothing in the tape to suggest problems, merely family news Spock would be expected to know, and warm personal greetings for himself. As for Selek, the distinguished Vulcan had given no indication of anything being wrong. So it must be the tape; Kirk suddenly felt certain that Spock had not given him the whole message; there must originally have been some distressing news on it.
Carefully Kirk checked his reasoning, convinced that he was right, and began to plan. He would wait a few days longer to see if his friend would confide in him of his own accord; and if he did not he would go to Spock, offer to help. The Vulcan would not mistake his concern for interference, and between them surely they could solve the problem, whatever it was.
Having made up his mind, Kirk shelved that worry for the moment and turned his attention to his own problem. It was something he had only lately become aware of, and so far he had been able to handle it, but he knew that he could not go on doing so for much longer. Now that he was mixing more with the crew some of the women on board saw in their young, good-looking and unattached First Officer a challenge to their femininity; now that Karen had gone, they were making their interest plain again. Even worse, one or two crewmen whose interests lay in that direction had, on seeing his lack of response to the women in the crew, begun to eye him speculatively. As yet no direct approach had been made, but he was very much afraid that sooner or later someone would make him an offer he did not know how to deal with - regulations were, after all, often ignored.
As a young cadet Kirk had been too absorbed in his studies to indulge in the amorous diversions of the other students; on board ship, and under Pike's command, his awareness of his responsibilities and his natural fastidiousness had protected him from casual affairs - attractive he might have been, but the girls in the crew had shown little interest in the shy and withdrawn young Ensign, then Lieutenant, until his promotion to First Officer; and then they had had little time to approach him before Pike was promoted away and the Captain had come. As a result he had been still a virgin, and his sexual awakening in the Captain's arms had therefore been doubly shocking; he had been left with an utter distaste for any form of physical intimacy. Sex, to him, was a selfish, painful, humiliating indulgence - he wanted no part of it. He knew that he was not normal - most men found pleasure in sexual fantasies - but he shrank with loathing even from that. Spock understood, but no-one else ever would.
How, then, was he to deal with an unwanted approach? He had never learned to laugh and flirt, to take such matters lightly - he was afraid that his reaction would make him a laughing-stock on the ship.
What plausible reason could he give for wishing to remain celibate? He had been humiliated too often in the past to be comfortable with the idea of refusing anyone without giving a good reason, especially since such an offer could well be made out of a genuine affection and a wish to give him pleasure.
If he could have said that he was not free, that he was committed elsewhere... but Kirk was painfully aware that he could not hope to be believed. He could lie for Spock - the encounter with the Klingons, those first hours with Sarek, proved that - but when it came to acting on his own behalf the Captain's observation was correct - he lied very badly. Anyone would see through the deception, and to the humiliation of being rejected would be added the distress of knowing that Kirk had lied.
For a moment he wondered wildly if he could - just possibly - approach one of the women - perhaps Uhura, she was fond of him - and ask her to pretend... But he rejected that almost at once - it would be unfair to ask such a thing with no explanation, and even if she agreed he could not expect her to give up her own relationships for a meaningless charade with him. So what could he do?
Normally he would have turned to Spock for advice, but the Vulcan was as ignorant as he in this area. Besides, it would be unfair to worry him now, when he so clearly had problems of his own.
No, it would have to be McCoy, Kirk decided. The doctor was discreet, sympathetic, had proved his friendship. An excellent psychologist, surely he would be able to suggest an answer?
With a tired sigh Kirk settled deeper into bed. Tomorrow he would go and see Bones...
The following night it was McCoy's turn to lie awake, considering the problems that had been presented to him during the course of that day.
Women sure do cause a whole heap of trouble, he reflected; here were Jim and Spock, both worried sick because each, though for a different reason, was unable to respond as a normal male. Spock could not, and Jim would not, take an interest in women.
It might have seemed amusing to some men, but McCoy was sensitive enough to appreciate the danger. Spock must marry, yet his impotence would betray him if he did; Jim was attractive to women, but not attracted to them. And somehow he, Leonard McCoy, was expected to come up with a logical, acceptable reason why each should remain celibate. It was an impossible situation - or... was it?
Something he had read once... A devilish grin spread slowly across McCoy's face as the outrageous idea, born of his misplaced sense of humour, took root and began to grow. It could work - it was just crazy enough - and Jim and Spock, in all the universe, were the only two men who could make it work.
The longer he considered it, the more possible it seemed. McCoy rose hastily and consulted the library computer, checking what little information there was on the marriage laws of Vulcan.
Yes - he had remembered correctly - that was all right. Now the only thing that remained was to convince his friends that he had found the answer.
Before his nerve had a chance to fail he called Kirk and Spock, asking them to visit his quarters in the morning. Whatever happened, no word of this must leak out, and in sickbay there was always the chance of being overheard.
For a long time he sat awake, going over possible objections in his mind, and producing answers; then, satisfied, he returned to bed; and Leonard McCoy, the responsible, dedicated Chief Medical Officer of the Enterprise, chuckled quietly to himself as he settled to sleep.
Outwardly composed, inwardly racked with nerves, Spock faced the assembled family council.
How did I allow myself to be talked into this? he wondered as he waited to speak. He could just see Jim, sitting to his right and slightly behind him, but he dared not catch the Human's eye. Jim too had been persuaded by McCoy's crazy argument, but now Spock wondered how they could hope to carry this through. Though no comment had been made there had already been startled looks when he had insisted that Kirk attend this meeting.
There was a stir of movement as Selek rose to address him, and he concentrated his attention - they were committed now.
"Spock, you have reached maturity, and are as yet unbonded. We, your family, are concerned for your safety, and as is our right we now demand that you select a bondmate; or if you are unable to choose, that you accept the wife we have chosen for you."
Spock rose to his feet; his voice was very calm. "I may still name my own mate?"
"You may. Provided that your choice is not forbidden under law, we will accept she whom you name."
"I have already stated that I do not wish to marry while I remain on active service, but you have chosen to invoke tradition to compel me. Therefore, so do I - a tradition older than the bonding ceremony itself. I select as my mate one who is permitted to me by our most ancient laws, and I will accept no substitute - my decision is made, and none may interfere or forbid."
"That is tradition," Selek agreed. "Your choice?"
"James Kirk."
Not all Vulcan control could restrain the gasps of astonishment. Kirk flushed crimson under the eyes turned to him, but lifted his head proudly.
"Impossible!" Selek exclaimed at last. "A Human male... Impossible, Spock!"
"Not so. It is not forbidden to marry a Human - I myself am proof of that - and male bonding has been known and honoured since the dawn of time. You quote tradition to me - I merely follow it." Turning, he extended his hands. "James, do you accept me?"
Kirk rose and stepped forward to lay his hands in Spock's. "I accept," he said calmly.
The members of the council had been conferring urgently; at last Selek turned back to Spock. "Your choice is indeed... permissible," he conceded reluctantly. "Since your life and sanity are our primary concern, we accept the Human James Kirk as your bondmate. The formal declaration will take place at noon tomorrow, before the proper witnesses - please make the necessary arrangements." Shifting his gaze to Kirk he continued with a touch of embarrassment, "I am compelled to ask. You consent freely to this? You are prepared to fulfil the duties of bondmate?"
Kirk lowered his eyes. "I am prepared," he said clearly.
"So be it. We meet at the appointed hour."
The journey home was accomplished in total silence. Spock could sense Sarek's curiosity and disapproval, T'Pau's hidden amusement, but neither would make any comment until they were safely indoors.
It was a pity, he reflected, that there had been no time to warn his parents of his decision, but the Enterprise had been delayed in transit - they had only just reached the council meeting in time - although the absence of Selek, head of the council, would have caused the meeting to be automatically postponed.
Kirk at least was serene, confident that when everything had been explained Sarek and T'Pau would understand.
As for the fifth member of the group - McCoy, who had joined them after the meeting, was having difficulty in restraining a grin of delight at the thought of the consternation Spock's announcement must have produced among these supposedly controlled Vulcans.
The aircar landed, and Sarek led the way to his study; once there he turned to his adopted son.
"Spock, I demand an explanation! You assured me that you had no interest in James, yet now - "
"Sarek," T'Pau interrupted gently, "I think we should allow Spock to explain - I am certain that we do not yet know the full story."
"Thank you, mother." Spock flashed a reproving glance at McCoy, who was now grinning openly. "It was McCoy's idea - "
"I suspected it might be," T'Pau murmured; she had a thoroughly unVulcan appreciation of the good doctor's sense of humour.
"Your explanation?" Sarek demanded impatiently.
"In my previous universe, as in this, such matters are not readily discussed, sir. However, in this case it is necessary to explain to you why we have agreed to this charade.
"The primary consideration is to conceal my imposture; Jim will pay the price if I am discovered, and not even you can protect him. It will arouse suspicion if I remain unbonded, therefore it is necessary that I marry; yet that marriage would in itself arouse suspicion as I am incapable of fulfilling my obligations to a wife. Somehow I had to find a mate who, knowing the truth, would be prepared to shield me - and who could be trusted with such a secret?" He hesitated, then continued. "Jim too is in difficulties; as a result of his... experiences, he has no desire for sexual contact; yet as a young, attractive and highly-placed officer, women - and men too, I fear - desire him. Marriage, to a mate who could be trusted to make no demands on him, would provide him with an acceptable excuse for refusing any propositions.
"It was McCoy's suggestion that Jim and I should go through the bonding ceremony. So will Vulcan be satisfied, and Jim will have the protection that he needs."
"1 see a difficulty," T'Pau said slowly. "Male bonding, although rare, is honoured on Vulcan, but not among Terrans. Surely James will be the subject of gossip and speculation when it becomes known that he is the legal consort of a male?"
"Not so. On the Enterprise it will not be known. All he need say is that he is married to a Vulcan. The identity of that Vulcan need not be disclosed."
"But the bonding ceremony triggers pon farr," Sarek protested. "I will not permit you to make use of James in such a fashion."
"Where I come from it does not; and as I have already explained, I am immune to the mating fever. We will not in fact form a full bond; we will merely link minds as we have several times done in the past."
"I promise you, I'll be perfectly safe with Spock," Kirk broke in shyly. "I'm grateful for your concern, but it is the best solution for us both. No-one will bother Spock, and if I owe him the fidelity due to a bondmate, I can easily reject any advances simply by telling the truth. You see, I lie so badly; but I could never betray Spock, even though the bonding is in name only."
"What of the future?" T'Pau asked with concern. "Jim, your reluctance to marry may pass - you may one day wish to take a wife. Yet if you are committed to Spock... "
"In that event I will of course release him from his vows to me, should he wish it," Spock said. "On the other hand, since this situation arose, I have studied the marriage laws here - in a male bonding either of the partners may, with the other's consent, take a female as secondary wife to ensure children - just as the male in a normal bonding may take a secondary wife to ensure children if his first wife is barren, even although he would not normally do so until his first wife was pregnant."
Sarek looked directly at Kirk. "You are certain that you consent to this willingly? There has been no coercion?"
"None, Sarek. It's what I want. But I thank you for being concerned."
"Thanks are unnecessary within the family; it is merely... I wish you well, James."
"I'm grateful. May I ask... Would you please call me Jim when there are no strangers present? James was... was His name for me - it has... unpleasant associations. "
"As you wish. T'Pau, I leave tomorrow's arrangements in your hands."
The sun had burned the morning freshness from the air as Kirk walked between T'Kara and McCoy to the bonding. As this was a private and personal ceremony, involving no question of inheritance between two powerful land-owning families, Spock had requested that it take place in the garden, rather than amid the forbidding grandeur of the ancestral Arena of Marriage. This had been granted, and only the essential witnesses and family representatives were present. Spock was attended by his parents, Selek was to conduct the ceremony, and as Kirk had no relatives of his own to stand with him, T'Kara had offered to act as his female witness, her presence also signifying that Selek had accepted the match.
Kirk kept his eyes firmly on Spock as they came together to stand before Selek; the Vulcan glanced round the circle of faces, then began the ceremony at once.
"We are called to witness the bonding of Spock, son of Sarek, to James Kirk - let any who would dispute the choice speak now."
He paused; the only sound to break the silence was the rippling water of the fountain on the terrace.
"Make your vows, each to the other," Selek directed.
Spock turned to face Kirk, taking the Human's hands between his own. "I take you as my bondmate," he said clearly, "to be my honoured companion while life endures. I will care for you, keep you from want, and my protection will surround you. I pledge you my loyalty, my trust and my fidelity; your honour is mine, and any harm done to you I will avenge. I give my life into your hands, and I pledge that I will take no other without your consent."
He gripped Kirk's hands. tightly for a moment, stilling their trembling, and waited for the Human's reply. Kirk took a deep breath, and grasped Spock's hands in turn.
"I take you..." Kirk's voice faltered for a moment, then he recovered and began again, speaking firmly and without hesitation. "I take you as my bondmate, to be my honoured companion while life endures. I will care for you, keep you from want, and my protection will surround you. I pledge you my loyalty, my trust and my fidelity; your honour is mine, and any harm done to you I will avenge. I give my life into your hands, and I pledge that I will take no other without your consent."
There was a moment's silence when he had finished, then Selek spoke again.
"Share this cup, in token that your lives are now one."
Spock took the goblet and held it to Kirk's lips, then drank as the Human held it in turn; he then placed it on the ground and set his foot firmly on the delicate crystal.
"That which is ours, is ours alone," he said, and Kirk echoed his words; together they trod on the goblet, crush